FRESNO, CA – Across the United States young people who will turn eighteen by November 5 are expressing their excitement at being able to vote in the last presidential election of their lifetimes.
“Voting is an amazing right for all adult Americans,” said Ashley Connor. “In November I will walk proudly into the voting booth to cast my ballot. And then later I will see that right stripped away sometime before 2028, just like my rights over my own womb were removed in 2022.”
“I wasn’t there when democracy started in 1788,” noted Kyle Janowitz, a teenager with a keen understanding of his place in history. “Or when democracy started again in 1920 when women were allowed to vote. Or when democracy started again in 1965 when all black people were allowed to vote. But I know I will be there when democracy ends shortly after January 20th, 2025, and that’s sort of cool.”
Another aspect of history fuels the excitement of Tenisha Jones, who said: “Sometimes presidential elections are referendums on the country. Like, 1860 was about slave states seceding from the union. 1932 was about the socialist policies of the New Deal. And the 2024 election is about whether a rapist conman will go to prison or become president for life. That’s a real cliffhanger!”
“Of course, in a democratic referendum, every vote counts. But since I live in California, my vote is practically worthless. Meanwhile some angry guy in Wisconsin could be the tipping point for a future where anyone labelled ‘woke’ will be hauled into a gulag.”
She wiped away a tear as she said, “Goodbye American democracy. You were the dumbest version in the world.”
At press time, a spokesperson for Trump has dismissed the idea that elections will disappear. In fact, super early exit polls for 2028 have Ivanka Trump in a commanding lead with 99% of the vote.
Where’s the satire?
Onion sold out, they went legit
This is The Beaverton.
Fuck.
A somber chuckle
Dammit, they’re doing another Bush Jr inauguration speech article.
This type of story doesn’t draw attention to an issue, it leaves people feeling that it’s inevitable. It saps the fight from people’s will, rather than getting them fired up. I’d call this intentionally propaganda if it weren’t coming from The Onion.
It’s from The Beaverton, but I wouldn’t suspect them of propaganda, either.
Unless the libs want to vote 3rd party, it’s either Trump or RFK 😪
If you’re voting for someone you disagree with in order to save democracy, then you don’t have a democracy to save.
You agree with them that democracy should continue, which seems pretty important to me. Are you arguing that democracy is only voting for someone that agrees with 100% of your beliefs? That compromise isn’t a fundamental part of a pluralistic democracy?
The only form of government that doesn’t involve compromise is a totalitarian dictatorship.
That compromise isn’t a fundamental part of a pluralistic democracy?
I am making compromises in voting for Jill Stein, there are several issues I disagree with her. That’s expressing democracy, being fooled into voting for Dems or Republicans by total control of the media is not democracy.
And if Jill Stein had to compromise and only support things that a majority of Americans were in favor of, would you still want to vote for her?
Ironically she does support most things a majority of Americans are in favor of like universal healthcare. So yes.
It must be nice to be conflate ignorance with individuality. You’re a hell of an individual!
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Anyone who can afford to vote against socialism has the real privilege.
Socialism is not on the ballot, so you can’t vote against socialism in the election. You can only vote against things that are on the ballot.
You’re right, instead we should have another civil war that will kill millions. That’s a much better idea.
