You may want to research emotional intelligence. There’s lots of methods you can try but they are not quick to explain. Some examples.
- Ask to explain, clarify. Someone made a derogatory comment - call it out. E.g. What do you mean by X? Are you implying that Y?
- Dont get angry. Provide clear incentive to act. Increase the cost of failure. Can be as simple as CC relevant person in the email. State clearly what are the expected outcomes. Highlight the risk. Make sure others know what’s going on.
- Question real reason for the criticism. Is it really something in your control? Ask what they would do in such scenario. Dig into details. Point out gaps
Above all stay calm. The more the other person gets angry and confrontational while you stay calm and professional the better you look in eyes of everyone else. It makes it obvious to others who is the big baby and who can the handle pressure.
This comment ^ is the best advice. In all conflicts, it is of the utmost importance that you stay calm.
However, keep in mind that this will often infuriate or enrage an aggressor. Often an aggressor is endeavoring to provoke you so that you lash out first. When you lash out first, you lose.
I have always had a huge difficulty controlling my emotions in these situations, and so I always tried to avoid conflict. Now, I am married, and so conflict is unavoidable. It is imperative that I control how I react and respond.
I still struggle with this. I actually wish that I had some coaching on how to manage my anger, but I have had to deliberately get better with practice, and it has been hard, and sometimes even embarrassing.
Edit: One thing that I have found that helps sometimes is explaining to an aggressor why you are feeling angry immediately as you feel yourself getting angry. If something is said that hurts or offends, say so. Say, “You said that I do X, or that I am Y – that feels unfair, inaccurate, and maybe even as though you are intentionally trying to hurt me. I wish you would find a different way to say that.”
If the conflict is with a person operating in good faith, this often leads directly to an apology. If not, then you might be dealing with someone who is in fact intentionally trying to provoke you. There is no need to disclose your feelings further to such a person, but it can still be helpful to understand the nature of the attacks from which you are defending yourself.
I can absolutely relate to this! Thank you for your perspective!
A+ advice. I was not taught great conflict resolution skills as a kid and have some neurospiciness that makes regulation challenging at times, but my meds help and I think I’m better equipped emotionally these days than I tend to think of myself as or give myself credit for. Thank you for the advice, this is all A+ insight.
I don’t think it’s the best but in such cases, I personally take the minimalist approach.
Keep all communications on official channels, and only send precise and to-the-point messages with as much brevity as possible (of course, make sure that your points are clear and that you are responding to their main queries as well). Make it as if they’re talking to an intelligent robot.
Nothing wrong with this. Professional and concise, like every email should be.
This works very very well for me as well.
Make sure every point you make is objectively sustainable and don’t deviate from the truth. People hate having rock-solid bullet-pointed lists describing why they’re idiots chucked at them.
De-escalate emotional tension. Don’t get personal. Don’t make sweeping statements or promises in the heat of the moment.
Great advice
I don’t like confrontation either but it is important to set boundaries. I’ve done this. It’s okay for someone not to like me but I will not tolerate disrespect. I had somebody at work call me stupid because I could not solve their problem right then and there. When I get very angry, I speak quietly and enunciate my words. I said to this person, “I’m going to leave now. You let me know when you’re ready to work with me.” To which she responded that she would call me and I retorted, “No, you will not call me. You will send me a Teams message or an email.” And I walked away. Naturally I got accused of all kinds of things but I documented what happened and signed and dated it. HR found in my favor.
This hits close to home. When I was candid about the fact that it took some courage to speak up about something that needed pushing back on, I got called a “scaredy cat” 🙄
Name calling is the language of the weak. I it does take courage and I’m glad you summoned the courage to do so.
Thank you! That genuinely makes me feel a little better
Are they averse to conversation? They might not like to talk. But you might find that if you are feeling a person doesn’t want to communicate, it might be because you are not communicating well either. You need to use your own skills and take initiative.
I can point you to several skills.
https://dbt.tools/interpersonal_effectiveness/dear-man.php
https://www.practicalrecovery.com/prblog/family-communication-be-pius-this-holiday-season/
Be very gentle using any interpersonal skills. Only ever speak from “I statements”. If it doesn’t work, it wasn’t meant to work.
I am the “averse” one- meaning, I have a hard time setting firm boundaries, struggle with gathering the courage to say no, etc. The person in question I’m having to push back against is kind of passive aggressive/manipulative, but seems very confrontational.
So why are you talking to them? Part of being a good conversationalist is knowing when to drop it.
I think (I am a shit head on the internet) that this might be telling you something. To reaffirm those boundaries you already know about.
Talk to them or don’t, but remember what is important to you personally.
Well, to answer your question, I have to talk to them. Very small team, this lady seems to think she’s in charge of the whole team instead of her two direct reports. Heres more context from upthread: https://beehaw.org/comment/973873
But you are right about reaffirming of boundaries. I think I get scared when pushing back because I’m not always great at regulating my emotions so I’m terrified I’ll get worked up and say the wrong thing, but I really need to work on this skill. It’s important, I do not want to be someone easily steamrolled.
But I’m very sociable amd not shy with conversation!
These links are excellent! Thank you!
